guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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