38 yer olds are good kisserssss
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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