apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
