So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
