It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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