Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
