you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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