I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
