What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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