i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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