You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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