I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
