who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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