I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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