I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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