and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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