Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
