it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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