My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
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Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
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We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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