there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
