im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You were trust falling into bushes
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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