I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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