I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
