it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think my nap took me to another dimension
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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