It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
