At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
