You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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