Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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