Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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