WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
