i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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