cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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