I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
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Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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