i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
