Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
