So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
