what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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