I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
