Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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