Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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