I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
