omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
