People in love make me want to vomit
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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