I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
