apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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