his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
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Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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