Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
