so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
