I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
