I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
