who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
