sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
