My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
