my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
