Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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